The Shame Loop is lying to you
The shame loop is lying to you
(and some updates and goodies)
Hi Life in Colour Coaching community,
I want to talk about something that shows up for so many of us:
The Shame Loop
I've been feeling it recently. I've got a lot of stuff going on personally (as do lots of us) and I noticed that I started telling myself that I am failing. Failing at parenting. Failing in my relationship. Failing in friendships. Failing in work. Now don't get me wrong, I didn't jump out of that as soon as I noticed it, but I took the first step of noticing it. And I spoke to a friend. I got professional help. And the help is ongoing. It doesn't change everything overnight but I know I can't get out of this shame loop by sheer determination.
The shame loop shows up in every role we hold. As a parent. A partner. A friend. A sibling. An employee. A business owner. Somewhere along the way we picked up the idea that struggling means we're failing, rather than what it usually actually means: we're out of capacity.
And here's the trap. When we can't do the thing, the first place we go isn't "my capacity is full." It's shame. I should be managing this better. Everyone else seems to cope. What's wrong with me.
That shame loop is sneaky, because it feels productive. It feels like accountability. But it isn't. It just keeps us stuck, and it stops us from doing the one thing that would actually help: recognising that our capacity is genuinely depleted, and giving ourselves permission to recharge.
Capacity isn't a character issue. It's a resource. It goes up and down depending on what's happening in our lives, our nervous systems, our bodies. When we treat low capacity as a personal failing instead of information, we lose the chance to respond to it.
"Sally, I've heard you say this before." I know. I'm starting to sound like a broken record. And yes, I've said it, and I'll keep saying it: because we have to get out of the shame loop, and most of us need support to do that. Not willpower. Not a better system. Support.
So if you're in a season where you're not doing "better," that might not be the problem. It might just be capacity. And naming that, instead of shaming yourself for it, is where things start to shift.
Be gentle with yourself this week.
Sally
Updates from me
The D.O.N.E. Method founding cohort starts this Saturday. If any part of you has been thinking I wish I'd started, this is your sign to reach out. There's still time.
I've also been building out my YouTube channel, sharing more of this thinking in video form if that's a format that works better for you. And yes, my kids are still mortified I'm on Youtube...
Workshops
It's been a big few weeks on the workshop front. I've delivered sessions for a kindy, and for school officers from five primary schools. Coming up, I'm running a workshop for grandparents, presenting online for a Early Childhood organisation, and presenting at a teacher aide conference. I feel so privileged to be trusted with these different rooms, and honestly, I love every bit of it.
New Resource
I've developed a new resource on Declarative Language: This one page document explains what declarative language is, why and how we use it and some example scripts.
info@lifeincolourcoaching.com.au
www.lifeincolourcoaching.com.au
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